Self- Love and the Expansion of Consciousness

Dylan’s Storm

The Awakening

We hear a lot about the need to ‘love ourselves’ but what does it really involve? I thought I had a reasonable level of self-love, however, the last few months has shown me I had much more love available for myself.  I’ve seen that the practice of self- love and expanded consciousness go hand in hand. One won’t happen without the other.

My experience is, the more I learn about my trauma and heal; the deeper my self-love becomes. The more I recognise, comfort and heal; my wounded child, my original wound (Chiron in astrology); and ancestral trauma and wounds, the deeper love I have for myself and humanity. I am expanding in consciousness in beautiful and profound ways.

Letting go of ‘baggage’ and ‘healing’ are such simple, overused phrases, it’s easy to ignore them.  Many of us don’t even realise we have baggage to ditch. Before I dive into further explanation, I want to elaborate on the expanded consciousness aspect.

Over recent years I’ve noticed discussion about ‘the great awakening’ and ‘the ascension process’ within so-called ‘truther’, ‘freedom’ and spiritual’ communities. I’ve also noticed that many consider that as they now ‘know’ what’s happening in the world that they are in for ascension.

Being aware of the reality of our plant and how it has been controlled and manipulated for the last 26,000 odd years is definitely fundamental in our awakening as humanity.  However, it doesn’t mean that we suddenly transcend all of that control and become ascended beings. We have eons of generations of conditioning to become aware of, then the self-work really begins.

We must actively release, transmute, heal and become ‘new’ to ascend.  It requires becoming conscious of the areas of ourselves we have previously been unconscious of. This is vital. We have to ditch our baggage to become lighter – we must become ‘light’ on all levels.

The real ‘Great Awakening’ is an inside job taking us back to remembering our own power. This means releasing that which no longer serves us. It means healing and healing runs side by side with self-love expansion.  If ascension is, as the dictionary definition states, raising our level of consciousness, then we have to be in the driving seat and be prepared for obstacles on the road.  For me, the main key to this is through feeling feelings and applying the learning gained through this process. This all involves huge doses of self-honesty, self- responsibility, connectedness, and compassion for self and others and a lot of letting go.

I am going to use some recent personal experiences to help me explain further. I am not suggesting that everyone’s experiences will be like mine. I am suggesting though, that without going within, and being willing to feel and heal traumas that we may have long avoided, held down, or not even seen, that expansion of consciousness and self-love (accession if you like) is not possible.

Health

Over the last 8 months I have, for the first time in my life, been processing a serious physical imbalance. A few weeks ago, I underwent emergency surgery when the situation became life threatening with my bowel wall perforated and my abdomen seriously infected. A 15cm segment of my bowel was removed along with 20 lymph nodes.

I feel blessed that the lead surgeon has the reputation of being New Zealand’s top colorectal surgeon, and highly skilled in emergencies. He was gracious in his acceptance of my rigid requests that no blood products, clotting agents, or transfusions of any kind be given to me and to be stitched, not stapled internally. My requests added some risk to the surgery. Bigger incisions were used to preform the surgery as quickly as possible. The surgery resulted in 5 incision sites, the largest being 15 cm.

The anaesthetist was equally as gracious and changed the usual drugs he used as I refused the use of fentanyl. Both men knew that if I bled uncontrollably during the surgery that they were to let me pass on rather than give me any blood products. I had made the decision and I was ready to be reunited with my Son in spirit if that was the situation.

Dylan had walked with me the morning I went, yet again, to the ER in the hope I would be listened to.  I knew how sick I was, and as the ambulance, I had rung for, never came, I walked. Dylan literally held me up and got me into the door of the ER where I collapsed in a heap.

His presence was powerful. I’m sure even the medical staff could feel something. He never left my side, his strength was my touch stone. He aided me in decisions when I needed to advocate for myself in the first few days after surgery when things were fairly unstable. He gave me the strength to stop the pain medication on day two so I could switch to homeopathy and walk out of the hospital just four days after the surgery instead of the seven or more I was told I would need.

He’s laid next to me in my bed and soothed me when I have cried with pain and the shock of what my body has been through. I cried that he was not here in the physical and he showed me he didn’t need to be to my biggest support. His love for me profound. His powerful strength in spirit undeniable.

Energy Enhancement  System

In the months leading up to the surgery I was working to heal the mass in my bowel. I was working on the physical as well as mental, emotional and spiritual states. I have always considered any dis-ease stems from an in balance in any or all of these.

As part of this healing, I spent a month in the North Island doing almost daily Energy Enhancement (Abbreviated to EE System) System sessions, and three over nights in the system. I am bringing the Energy Enhancement System technology to the Nelson region mid-2024 and this time gave me the opportunity to fully experience the technology.

For those unfamiliar with EE system technology, I have added the link for the website below. Very simply put, the technology creates a unified field of coherent energy that allows the body (plant, animal, human) to come into balance and to adjust any imbalances – basically; the energy that creates the body, heals the body. The system does not heal; it provides the energy field for the body to do what it is designed to do. The shifts experienced can be on the physical, mental, emotional and consciousness level.

Healing the Wounded Child

The month was intense and life changing in multiples ways. I spontaneously released long held unconscious energy that no longer served me. The energy mainly released in the form of feelings. Information came up in a way that ‘pictures’ that had long been vague in me became crystal clear. Simultaneously to the energy/feelings being released, was healing, with the space created immediately filled with beautiful expansive new understandings. This is the best way I can describe it, I hope it makes some sense.

The first of this released energy was directly related to my wounded child.  I am a deeply sensitive, empathic soul, who as a child, picked up on the dysfunction in the family. I also had the courage to speak up about it. Once I did that, I became the family scapegoat. I was the identified target for other family member’s projections and I was blamed and criticised.

The more I tried to be heard and place light on the dysfunction, the more I was labelled as the problem child and the spoilt brat. I was treated accordingly. I was the black sheep. I was not acceptable. I was simply hard to love. My feelings and emotions were minimised, deemed unimportant or challenging, it was clear feelings were better unexpressed. I was the youngest so it was easy for the rest of the family to put me at the bottom of the ‘pecking order’. I could be shunned, ignored, ganged up on or told to stop being so pushy.

No one was willing to consider that what I was seeing was relevant or helpful – easier to sweep it under the carpet and ignore there was any dysfunction.  They certainly didn’t like it when I pointed out their treatment of me was unfair and unjustified. I learnt to shut up and withdraw and definitely not to share feelings – instead I spent my days sitting in and talking with trees, watching birds, playing with my cat or in my bird aviary.

As I was aware of the family process and understood it on face value, for what it was, I thought it had, had no effect on me.  How wrong I was!

As this energy released during my time in the EE centre and I worked with healers, I understood that I had learnt that loving me was conditional on me behaving in certain ways and certainly not by saying what I saw, felt or knew to be true.

During my early life, people withdrew support and love from me and labelled me in derogatory terms if they considered I was wrong, unworthy or too much of something, not enough of something else, AND that it was my fault if they did this. I had learnt this, so it is what I allowed into my life – relationships that mirrored the learning. This allowed me to tolerate abusive behaviour by others in my life. There is no blame attached to these statements. It is just how it was, forgiveness has happened and I can say this now without shame.

This is finally where the expanded self-love comes into this story.

I now knew I was worthy of respect, support and compassion. Love for myself could be unconditional. My heart began to fill with more love for myself. I understood that my empathy and sensitivity was a gift and that my ability to see dysfunction and imbalances to the depth that I did, was not a curse but a central part of who I am as a healer. I was acceptable and worthy.

I could set boundaries about what treatment I would accept and it was acceptable to let people know when their behaviour negatively impacted me. My needs were non-negotiable. I wasn’t responsible for others dysfunction and imbalances just because I could see them. Neither was I responsible for others reactions, triggers, projections, denials, lack of accountability, blame, avoidance, rejection or withdrawal – all of these I had experienced being responsible for on behalf of others close to me, and now that was a ‘heavy, empty burden that suddenly became light’ (almost a direct quote from Mr L Cohen’s Popular Problems/A Street).

Stress

Running alongside the healing of the energy release and the meeting of beautiful open hearted souls, there was a lot of stress.

I was living in my van and a tent in some terrible wet windy weather. I was travelling at least 100 km a day to go to the centre, gather food and walk my three dogs. The dogs were not getting the exercise they needed as we were in diary country where all land was privately owned. They were all stressed by the changes.

One was suffering from what was eventually diagnosed as a serious nerve injury, she would randomly yelp in severe distress multiple times a day. Every time she yelped the other two would viciously attack her – this is a dog behavioural response to silence the weaker one; not uncommon, especially in a pack made up of ex feral Rarotonga street dogs. I could manage one of the attacking dogs with voice commands but the other dog needed to be manually removed. While I could do this, it was physically exhausting and challenging when I wasn’t 100%. The dog being attacked was not only suffering from the nerve injury but also from the attacks. She was wounded and terrified and stopped eating and barely drank. She stayed curled up in a tiny shaking ball in my van for days.

If I had been at home, I could have separated the dogs and managed the situation. As it was, I had already over stayed the time limited at the camp-ground we were staying at, and I had nowhere else to take the dogs. After days of trying to manage the situation and it not improving but getting worse, I made the heart breaking decision to euthanise one of my beloved dogs in order to save the other. I have euthanised multiple dogs over the decades, but never a healthy dog who still had years of life. It was the toughest and saddest decision of my life. The situation devastated me. The other two dogs took weeks to show any signs of joy or normality. Our grief deep.

I’ve since seen her with Dylan and she is happy and calm. He has taught her tricks; they are loving each other’s company.  The physical damage she endured before she was rescued has gone and she is now free of any pain that her early injuries caused. Although this is beautiful to see, I still have healing around having made such an awful decision. I miss her, as do the other dogs. She was part of our family.
My EE centre will be dedicated to her.

Rejection

While the EE System was helping me sleep amazingly and I felt energised and clear headed (even with intense emotions coming up and being released), the mass in my bowel remained. It had changed and felt less dense and perhaps if I could have stayed for a couple of months I may have healed it. However, I was also having financial challenges and needed to return to Nelson.

With all this stress I was relying on two support people, a friend and a family member. However, within a day of each other they turned their backs and withdrew all support. At my lowest  – actually it got lower as this was before I had my dog put to sleep and had major surgery  –  the two people who I thought loved me and who I could rely on, ditched me. They justified removal of their support, compassion and love by, blaming me. I was no longer worthy of their support.

It was surreal and bizarre and sad all at the same time. Thankfully, due to the energy release and wounded child healing I was doing, the sadness somewhat passed and there was a sense of relief that I did not simply accept their shitty behaviour and take the burden of responsibility on myself.
I saw in action the level of self- love I was developing.

Their rejection was a redirection for me into authentic, loving, positive and supportive relationships. Their exit from my life created a vacuum which allowed those that could see me and be present with me, to enter my life.

The situation was ironic as well as powerful. I will explain.

Others Wounds

To my friend I had said no. I listened to an 18-minute message she sent me which detailed everything I was doing wrong.  As the message was long and repetitive I had time to consider her words – As I listened, I typed responses to acknowledge everything she was saying. I was open to what she was saying, I just didn’t agree with her.

I answered by saying how I was struggling and feeling stressed and how I was scared I was dying. I had disagreed with her analysis of me and tried to explain why. I had been vulnerable with her as I didn’t consider I had any reason not to be. In reply I got a message telling me I was condescending, spent and too much time in my own head, and I was so (fucking) high strung all the time that she was done with me.

I tried to explain myself further, then realised this was coming from my wounded child. I took a step back into self-love and saw the situation for what it was. Her stance was set. I was labelled a victim and projection, blame and insults were thrown at me. From my observation I consider it was her own trauma triggering her. Either that, or she’s just plain nasty. In the style of a narcissist she messaged my family member and reiterated what was wrong with me.

Then there was my family member whom I had annoyed by asking her to back a lie to a government agency for me. I understand she was annoyed, it had been a desperate attempt on my part to try and give myself more time in the EE centre and obviously it was not OK. I apologised to her twice, sincerely acknowledging my failure and inappropriate request, the apologies were ignored and her righteous anger remained.

Days later I sent her a 6 min voice message sharing my feelings about what was going on for me and asking her to please not withdraw as I needed her support. (this was me asking from my wounded child and was never going to go well) I was asking as it was her previous pattern to withdraw support after being annoyed.

A previous withdrawal lasted for the best part of a year and started a few weeks after Dylan died. She had asked me for help with her alcoholic boyfriend (who was threatening suicide). I said I couldn’t help her as I didn’t have it in me to help with such a situation, at that time. She responded angrily and withdrew. I shared the situation with the psychologist I was seeing as it had upset me so much. The psychologist was also upset that someone would expect me to support them in such away given it was only weeks after my sons suicide.

The response I received for my 6 min voice message was; that as my message was full of ‘toxic shit’ only 50 seconds had been listened to, and she was ‘taking time out’ as she had ‘nothing more to give.’

Irony…

I tried to explain what was actually in the message, even weeks later sending an email using only ‘I’ statements and not from my wounded child place. It was not heard. Her stance was set. Her behaviour justified. I was told I was to blame as I had kept pushing (to be heard). Her replies were all ‘You… You… You…’ It was eye opening to read what she really thought about me.

At the same time, I saw her wounds, and how unconscious she was of her reacting and projecting. The situation showed me the depth of her trauma and how far she was willing to go to deny any accountability as well as her blindness to her wounds. If my intuition is off and she was merely responding to me and her replies were not trauma based, then I am shaken how uncaring and unloving she is.

No Judgement

I am not sharing any of this from a right/ wrong, victim/ persecutor standpoint. I do not write to criticise. There is no judgement. I am sharing this story from my heart, openly and sincerely in the hope it may help others unlock some shackles.

I feel we need to step away from divisive labelling of ourselves and others and interpret in terms of consciousness, healing, self-honesty, self-responsibility; basically love … or not. We need to be able to feel and express emotions so we can help ourselves, and each other heal and expand. We need to be able to hear others feelings.  If we cannot do this, we can remain stuck on the hamster wheel of negative emotions.

I am grateful I now know that I am not responsible for these woman’s treatment of me – it was their choice to treat me as they did. They can justify their behaviour by blaming me, it doesn’t affect me nor change their words or actions to make them loving, kind, supportive or compassionate. The world I want to help build has its foundations in kind, loving, supportive and compassionate words and actions.

One of the healers I worked with recently went further and said – If someone blames you, for their mistreatment of you – that is abuse. Simple. If you let a person know how you feel about their mistreatment of you … and they still blame you for the way they treated you…again, in its simplest form, is abuse (mental and emotional). It is them avoiding accountability in order not to feel their own feelings.  It indicates unhealed trauma and lack of self-love. Be prepared to walk away.

Feelings

So… If you want to grow in self-love and consciousness, please never give up on sharing your feelings – there are those that will see you and know your worth and love you even more for sharing, knowing that you have honoured them in sharing. They will have the respect and love for you, that they can hear what you are saying. With an open and hearing heart, they will help you heal and let you heal. If you do need to tell them of any hurt feelings, know that they will not discard you or withdraw from you. They will likely thank you for your contribution to their deeper understanding of themselves.

This is how we can grow together and help each other expand. It is one way we can increase the love and light on the planet and aid in the evolution of humanity. When we are connecting from a place of trust and vulnerability, we aid in our own and others’ transformation and expansion of consciousness, self-love and love for humanity.

I have had such people in my life the past three months during some very sad, scary and uncertain times. They have listened to me and accepted me, supported me and comforted me, cared for me and my dogs when I couldn’t and given me unconditional love. Some have thanked me for my ‘realness and transparency’, ‘my honesty in my rawness’, saying it allowed them the space to express themselves deeply. Others told me I was amazing, inspirational, incredible and explained why they considered this. They saw me, with my imperfections, my failings, and my fears and still loved and supported me and it felt perfect.

As always, connection is the key;
Connection with Self – Spirit – Nature.
Nature being everything outside of ourselves – humans, animals, plants, rivers, trees, mountains, seas etc.

May Self-Love Fill You
Blessings and Love Andrea.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoZcVE3uiYI   Jim Self and Pam Gregory discussing Energy and Consciousness

www.eesystem.com to explore further

To understand raising of our energy/ frequency/vibration on a measurable level I recommend reviewing the science and work being done by Joe Dispenza, Gregg Braden and Bruce Lipton. There are also many others doing amazing work to help raise human consciousness – we are all in this together J