Ride - the book
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Ride - the e-book
The Ride starts here...
Becoming a parent opens a whole new vast place within us. We become people that perhaps always were and now in parenting we are being given an opportunity to express a somewhat larger grander version of ourselves. We become responsible for the wellbeing and caretaking of this new life and we are taken to places we have never been before, we are stretched, we are bent, and we are expanded in all aspects of our being. Our very ability to ‘Be’ is expanded by the purpose and true value parenting brings into our lives.
When a child dies there is a chasm created in our being. They whom awakened so much of who we are have gone and what is left behind is a vast chasm.
This chasm feels like a vast nothingness – total emptiness. We are forced to acknowledge this chasm, there is no ignoring it. It is all consuming. We have choices – do we try to ‘shrink’ back to what and who we were before the child expanded our being in order to close the chasm? Do we fill the chasm with something distracting? Do we try and ignore the chasm and hope it ‘self’ fills? Or do we fall into the chasm blindly; landing on the bottom to stay there until we shrivel into nothingness? Helpless.
Or is there another choice?
For me when my child departed by suicide it challenged every single aspect of my being.
The chasm his departure formed in me felt like it could take all of me into it; swallow me up entirely so all that there was and all there would ever be again was nothingness and emptiness. It was literally terrifying.
There was only one choice for me; the most real way to honour myself, the parent I was and my Son; and that was for me to just Be…And to enter the chasm.
Ride the chasm.
That ride required every ounce of courage I could muster but there was no turning back – there was nothing to go back to – he was gone. There was only one way forward and that was via the chasm.
This writing is about my ride into and over and through the chasm my Son’s departure via suicide left behind.
During the ride I discovered it wasn’t a chasm of vast nothingness and total emptiness. As much as it was a demanding ride that encompassed feelings of deep sadness, pain, loneliness and pure despair it also gave rise to huge personal learning and understanding, deep connection to myself and my Son, many new experiences and adventures, much joy and dare I say it; Peace.
A peace, that if we could all find, I consider would change the way we live.
I’ve also become (even more) opinionated and in the third section I offer some of my understanding of why we have such an out-of-control suicide rate in our country (and the world).
What I have written is a very personal journey which uses many personal pronouns. It is my story and my Son’s story. It is my life after his departure and some of his ‘life’ and connection with me after his departure. There are some stories I have not told purely because I want them just to be mine. Everything I have written is how it was.
I have tried hard to use words that accurately describe the experiences, feelings and situations. My grasp on the English language is not huge and hopefully I have selected the right words. Those that choose to read this who have had Loved ones depart from suicide, will be the best judge as to whether or not I have been able to accurately describe the agony that suicide leaves behind.
I hope my story deters anyone considering it, from choosing suicide.
My desire is that those of you who are in pain from having a loved one depart via suicide can find some hope from my words; or something to hold onto that can help you move forward on your own ride. The second section is for you. I have written some of it in very short chapters – that is deliberate as I suspect your ability to concentrate is currently challenged. Hopefully I have not over abbreviated. My wish is that it may help you even in some small way, find peace of your own.
There is little support for those of us who travel this unwanted path. There are too many of us on it, it is almost a crowded path, although, as suicide is such a taboo subject we have been largely left to travel alone. It is a well-trodden path but it is not well lit by any means.
Ultimately I hope that I can inspire any reader that Peace is possible. If we can each find personal peace, just imagine how the world would be…
The world may just transform into a peaceful place.
We all get a life and we all have a choice of how to ride that life.
When her son Dylan decided to get off his ride via suicide it threw Andrea well off her own ride and she landed with a massive thud that took her fully into the now.
Ride is the true story of understanding the feelings of loss and pain the suicide brought and the finding of peace, acceptance and trust in Dylan’s decision. It is a ride of connection to self, to spirit, to nature and how those connections can create peace. Not just in times like Andrea experienced but in anyone’s life – anytime.
Ride speaks of listening, hearing, being human, self-love, self-enquiry, of conscious grieving, stillness and being present in the moment even when those moments may threaten to overwhelm. There is a lot of power in grief and Ride is about recognising and using that power and allowing time to be aware as the defining of a new way of life unfolds.
Ride is Andrea’s ongoing connection with Dylan in spirit and the way he supports her in accepting his decision as well as riding with her on a host of magical and joyful adventures.
Ride considers some of the possible reasons we have such high suicide rates in NZ – the highest in the world for males of Dylan’s age.
Andrea’s biggest hope is that Ride helps people choose to stay on their own ride; through the bumps, up the hills, down the hollows, during the face plants, the gorse bushes – the lot – to come out the other side stronger, more loving, more willing, more creative, more connected, more human, more whole, more at peace.
Bring precious gifts from up above
Extract from Ride Peace … through Connection with Self- Spirit- Nature – page 77
Photo: View towards Tutaki from carpark
Photo: Cobb Valley. Kahurangi National Park. Page 124 Ritual Process - Ride .... Peace through Connection to Self-Spirit -Nature Allowing Process and Speaking Your Truth During the last few months I feel like I have been tested in my ability to allow process– like waiting for clarity coming from murky…
Photo: Dylan's Passing site Daffodils Radiating Light. 2019. Page 130 in Ride Peace ... through Connection with Self-Spirit-Nature. Authentic Connection – Part Four (following on from Parts one, two and three). Authentic Connection and Feelings. In my previous blog I suggest that Authentic connection requires us to be connected with…
Andrea Taylor lives in Nelson New Zealand.
From a young age the word alternative was used by those around her to describe her – unsure of what that meant she carried on being curious and questioning much of what was being presented to her. She attended University to study Psychology, Education and Sociology with the view of becoming an Educational Psychologist. Early on in her university study she realised that university was a lot like school and she was still being told what to think rather than how to think. She left University with a Bachelor’s degree in Social Sciences and a few papers towards a Masters. Since then she has formally studied Yoga and continues to follow a Yogic path today. She has worked a variety of roles, mainly involving supporting people on their career and life pathways. Many of these roles she did while home-schooling and raising her two children.