Photo: The Boulder Bank or Te Pokohiwi is a 13 kilometre long, naturally formed landform…
The Authentic Self
This has been a long time coming…. Not only in terms of my inconsistency with blogs, but with it being over five years since Rides draft was completed and well over ten years since Dylan self-transitioned.
It was 10 years on the 6th January 2023.
I knew I would want to write and acknowledge the day/year and I knew I wouldn’t be writing it on the 6th January or the weeks either side. Those days were for me to be in my own thoughts. I do these kind of ‘rituals’. They are not drawn in stone, however, I do like to respect my head-space in this way – even 10 years along.
This is ‘The Final Chapter’ as in many ways it’s taken this long to figure out what Ride is about and also because of the new adventure I have just started – though connected to Ride and essentially born from Ride – is on a new road. More on that soon.
To honour Dylan and myself, I want to share some of what I’ve learnt over the last ten years directly related to Dylan’s decision. How I have grown. The ‘blessings’ I allowed myself to receive. There is much, and I cannot hope to put it all in here, many are inter-related and often one leads to another and vice versa. There is a common thread in them though that I feel is valuable learning for anyone interested in learning.
When Dylan departed, I could see only two roads. A clear one of victim-hood where I could forever blame him, myself, and the rest of humanity. Where I would view his decision as a life sentence for me (and others). A road where I would be holding onto useless feelings of guilt or anger, resentment and pain. Poor me. A loop road. Round and round with the same feelings. Or perhaps worse – where I failed to feel any feelings and instead tried to stuff them down into some form of abyss to fester in their own way.
That victim road appeared as if it would be endless …
So really, there was no option than to follow the other road. That road was not so clear. I knew it would hold pain. Both roads would hold pain. Pain was already my experience in every cell of my being, and it was so deep I knew it wasn’t going to evaporate overnight …
There was more though …
I sensed the second road may offer me true peace. It was the pain that I needed to move through and beyond … and into …. something else …. although what that something else was – I could not see.
It was to be a road that at times did loop back onto itself, however, it would continue to move forward – into deeper understanding and expansion.
I did not know at that time, or even once I had written and published Ride, what that road was. It has been Ride’s readers who defined that road for me and now I understand (at least some of) the reason the nagging voice to write Ride never went away.
It was the road of ‘personal power.’
How do I define ‘personal power’?
When you have mastery (through connection, not control) over your feelings, they can be used to help with massive personal expansion and ever increasing depths of self-knowledge and individual authority.
This is an authentic form of personal power… the realisation of the importance of our feelings.
The mastery comes with allowing feelings to transform rather than control you.
That mastery is achieved by feeling the feeling without becoming it and merely having a conditioned response to it… complete self- honesty is required.
Sometimes when we have ‘big’ feelings we put them aside as they seem way too big to tackle or process. They’re uncomfortable, confronting, inconvenient even. Acknowledging and processing them may mean we have to change, sometimes in big ways.
What I learnt, is that in processing them there is huge power. It is a power I think many of us have long been discouraged from stepping into, perhaps under the guise of ‘getting trapped in them’ (the feelings) and therefore creating all sorts of permanent mental unrest.
Being able to stand in our personal power, at all and any times, is an incredibly useful skill to cultivate as a human. This is beyond merely being resilient and involves being open to experience every and any feeling and thought (and the events around them) without being consumed by them.
I allowed myself to stand in the burning flames of my pain and let that pain transform me. I was brutally honest with myself while holding compassion for myself. I took full responsibility for my feelings and thoughts and by doing so could process (at times extremely rapidly) huge chunks of what some may term ‘grief’ but what I saw as my ‘walls’ my ‘blocks’ my ‘ways of being’ that were not in alignment with my higher self/wisdom/truth (many words can be used here).
I realise that many will choose not to grow through a suffering. Perhaps this is wise? And indeed, I consider we are moving into a time of higher consciousness when we as humanity will have no need for this path of development. However, for me, the only way out was through my suffering. It was the only way I could authentically arrive at the new version of myself.
The most important chapters in Ride are the shortest ones. They’re short, because if they were long they would be books in their own right. They’re also short, so that those that are in the depths of their own ride with suicide loss, (or other huge personal challenge) can be briefly introduced to that which may aid them; without further over whelming them.
They are the largely the chapters of the first part of the ‘Finding Peace’ Section.
The key word in all of this was: Allowed
I allowed the process to unfold, I did not try to control it, measure it, time limit it, judge it, hold any expectations of it. I simply tried to ride it as best I could.
I was most definitely a conscious witness to it though, an observer and a participant at the same time… it was connection that allowed me to achieve this…connection to self-spirit-nature
I allowed the process of connection to take me back …
The authentic me.
Where power resides.
This continues to unfold and expand.
As someone who still has almost daily contact with Dylan, I can say he wasn’t ‘struggling’.
He simply got the shits (his words) with ‘all that was’ … call that struggling if you want.
Intolerant, stubborn Taurus. He’s since learnt his fixity was a downfall.
Being adjusted to a maladjusted society is struggling, and Dylan didn’t want to do that. He was too real, too alive and too grounded to put up with the shit (his words) on the planet. So for me, as his Mum, I’ve chosen to strive to be as real, as alive, and as grounded as my boy was/is.
Don’t think for a moment this has been an easy straight forward ride. I can still miss Dylan’s energy in the physical and what I would give, is everything, and more, to have him here now to hug.
I would have traded places with him if it meant keeping him here.
However, I also know with every ounce of my being, that this is what he selected for his soul’s development, and mine, and anyone else who has cared enough to grow through his decision to transition in the way that he did. He chose a substantial learning for himself and ‘us’…
My relationship with him in non-physical has grown and developed over the last ten plus years.
I have come to learn more of the abilities of the soul/spirit, its expansiveness and its multidimensionality. I have learnt of soul families and those who ‘share’ the same soul energy/frequency/vibration (any and all of these). I have found there are many ways we can connect with those who have transitioned to non-physical.
I have seen how we are all connected. I have discovered some of my own souls past and of my connection with dragons and other realms and I am comfortable with all of it. I have a new level of understanding of who I am at a soul level and that has been an amazing revelation.
Ride is not ‘just’ a story about a mother questioning her son’s departure.
It is a story about a woman standing in the flame and letting it transform her.
It is a story of being in one’s personal power through the act of feeling and connecting to those feelings and letting them transform, heal, rebirth, rebalance, recalibrate via self-responsibility,
self-honesty, self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-love.
The journey into self.
10 years on I could have been blaming Dylan for giving me a life sentence. There was just no way I was going to honour my son or myself with that kind of self-indulgent blah. I could have been feeling guilt for everything I thought/felt I ever did wrong in my life that must have contributed to Dylan’s decision and again there was no way I was going to honour my son or myself with meaningless martyrdom crap. I processed those feelings when they came up. Bitterness doesn’t fit well on anyone. Be bitter or be better.
Having said that, I know it’s an easy hole to fall into. To anyone in it, I would say climb out, if you cannot climb by yourself– reach out and let connection pull you out, then allow yourself to process any and all of those feeling as they come up. Be honest. Process to a depth that feels freeing and find the gifts, the learning, the meaning, the understanding. Be willing to challenge your beliefs about your life and the world. Look at your motivation for your decisions, are those decisions motivated by love or fear?
There is power in climbing out, trust yourself enough to feel and know that you will learn through it.
I have my peace with Dylan’s decision. It’s been a peace I have allowed and a peace that’s shown me much wisdom. Dylan didn’t give me a life sentence, he gave me a different life, a life without him here in the physical.
And …. A life with a far deeper connection to what is real and true and for that I can only thank him.
I’ve learnt that Love is all there ever needs to be – the rest is just noise.
Self-Love, Love for Humanity and Love for all we are, and all we can become.
Like many others, I consider we are currently in the most powerful time of human evolution – we are riding the wave of a whole new world. Granted there are those that think they have the power to decide the route of this new world – they do not – the power is in each and every one of us – if we choose to find it. This is the time to ride into your own power. Own it. It is actually very easy and very simple. You must first recognise that the most important resource is the one within yourself. Become who you are – fully. We are all divine sparks of creation and each one of us has a role in this magical play called life. Your energy is the most important thing – make how you feel a priority.
Happiness is as much a choice as a state of being, regardless of what is going on around. Not in a blinkers on kind of way but in a; I choose my frequency and vibration at any and all times, kind of way.
When we stand in our personal power we are present in the now more often, we also recognise when we are not present. We choose our responses with more grace. We are in stillness in our whole being. We are in peace, free of fear and free of worry.
The choice is – be a victim of your thoughts and feelings or use them to heal, expand, evolve and create joy and peace – it’s that simple.
The process continues to unfold.
The unfolding of the authentic human.
The unfolding of the coherent human.
From Dylan 9/10/2023
Now is time for humans to realise what being a real human is all about….
It’s Connection… Connection to Self – To Spirit – To Nature (nature being all else)
Absolutely everything comes down to connection or lack thereof …. EVERYTHING.
The what’s, hows, and whys of connection are vital for humanity’s evolution….
And as an added benefit – when humans learn to completely connect – suicide rates will fall….
Until…. there are zero suicides.